The Naked Truth

Generally speaking…

Women feel that men are made up of a few occasionally attractive (but, ultimately disappointing) anomalies perpetually surrounded by a much larger mass of completely unattractive (and largely unnecessary) people.  Men, on the other hand, separate women into five categories: “would never, ever f*ck”, “might f*ck”, “would f*ck”, “want to f*ck” and “will definitely try to f*ck”. However, this scale is living and breathing, and where a particular women is categorized at a particular moment depends on a complex equation of equal parts “convenience”, “could f*ck”, and “level of inebriation”

(Straight) Men generally regard male homosexuality the same way women regard logic; they don’t quite understand its purpose, but they think it has something to do with rainbows and ancient Greece. But, as long as it continues to attend separate nightclubs, it’s generally harmless.

Women masturbate to alleviate (horniness, guilt, anger, boredom, paralyzing fear of iguanas, etc). Men also masturbate to alleviate. When finished masturbating to alleviate, men clean up, turn on the TV, get horny again, and masturbate to the thought of making the chick from the Progressive insurance commercial squirt.

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Perpetually and hopelessly single women go on Royal Caribbean cruises, buy cats, and kill Cheetos and credit cards. Perpetually and hopelessly single men go on Aboriginal walkabouts, buy fatigues, and kill people and, eventually, themselves.

Men subtly attempt to marginalize the men who women deem extremely sexually attractive. But, since this never works, men eventually give up and buy the sexually dominant men’s jerseys and signature sneakers instead. Women also subtly attempt to marginalize the women who men deem extremely sexually attractive. But, since this also never works, women eventually give up and just consider trying anal.

Truly smart women marry up, and do so unabashedly and unapologetically. Truly smart men find these truly smart women, blow their backs out, and send them back to their husbands, smiling and happy.

A man’s relationship with telling women the whole truth is the same as a woman’s relationship with dating younger men: good in theory, but impractical, unnecessary, and usually just plain f*cking stupid.

To learn more about the opposite sex, women attend dating and relationship seminars, shop at sex stores, buy relationship books, and take “better sex” quizzes in Cosmopolitan. Men, well, men watch porn. And, if that doesn’t work, men switch porn genres.

A useless, public bathroom-related fact most men don’t know about women? When going to the restroom at a public place (i.e.: restaurant, airport, movie theater, etc), women usually have to wait in line to use a stall, and they’re actually taken aback if they find that they don’t have to wait. A useless, public bathroom- related fact most women don’t know about men? When very old men pee, their enlarged prostates give their urine a bit of a staccato flow, making it sound like a chopped and screwed version of the instrumental to Jay-Z’s “N*gga What, N*gga Who” when it hits the urinal. (It’s really quite fascinating, actually)

Both men and women (occasionally) fantasize about the types of lesbians that don’t actually exist in real life. In this sense, Cinemax After Dark is the grown-up’s Santa Claus, and Rosie O’Donnell is the day you realized Santa’s just a fat f*ck at the mall with a third-hand grizzly bear suit and a rock hard pint of Tanqueray in his pocket (at least, you hope that’s a rock hard pint of Tanqueray in his pocket)

Women regard penises the same way most people regard the cat spaying process: Useless and somewhat obscene, until they remember that most p*ssies can’t live a good life without one.

Women need constant compassion, occasional care, and genuine compliments. Men need constant food, occasional fun, and genuine filth.

For women, love is a pronoun, the final destination, a series of serendipitous events, a never-ending Telemundo novela where themes are always earth-toned and breezy, earnest and virile husbands promise their dying father-in-laws “Yo siempre cuidará de la niña“, and impeccably coiffed women lay on sheets of ostrich feathers while serenaded by the faint hum of a Santa Ana and the soft pedaled tune of choreographed orgasms. For men, love is being asked not to cum in her hair the day after she got it done, and seriously considering the idea of respecting her wishes.