Black Barbie and The Guiltiest Pleasures Possible

While driving to my homegirl’s place for game night last weekend (and tired of listening to Only Built 4 Cuban Linx… Pt. II over and over again. At this point I think Raekwon owes me royalties), I decided to pop in a mixtape I made of all of the Kanye G.O.O.D. Friday tracks. The first song that came on was “Monster”, a somewhat “soundtrackey” track—it seems like it should be on a soundtrack for a horror movie instead of an actual album—featuring Bon Iver, Rick Ross, Jay-Z, and a person I called the Anti-Christ two months ago.

Now, since the drive was only maybe 10 minutes, I didn’t have time to listen to the entire album. In fact, since I wanted to hear how the next track (“See Me Now”) sounded in my truck, I didn’t even listen to “Monster” all the way through, and just skipped to the only part of the song I like…Nicki Minaj’s verse. Yes, you read that correctly. I—a man who’s so into “real” hip-hop that I consider Supreme Clientele to be the best rap album ever made—skipped through verses from Jay-Z and Kanye West just to hear The Black Barbie spit about “bad bitches from Sri Lanka“.

It’s not that I think her verse is so outstanding. Lyrically, she definitely still leaves a bit to be desired, and no one is ever going to confuse her with Jean Grae or even Rah Digga. Plus, that particular verse was, to put it lightly, complete and utter schizophrenic nonsense. But, her energy and confidence allowed her to completely own a song that three of rap’s most prominent names also happened to be on, and I have to give credit where credit’s due…even if it’ll make me forfeit the monthly rewards that come with my hip-hop purists card.

Anyway, Minaj’s verse is a perfect manifestation of the guilty pleasure—a person, place, or thing you’re almost ashamed to publicly admit you actually enjoy—and here’s a few more of mine.

Watching YouTube rap battles for hours at a time

Am I too old to admit I spent 90 minutes Saturday afternoon watching Iron Solomon battle E. Ness, E. Ness battle Jae Millz, Jae Millz battle Murda Mook, and Murda Mook battle Serius Jones? Yes? Ok, then that would probably make me too old to also admit I battled myself in the bathroom mirror for 15 minutes afterward.

Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives

Whenever I watch this show, I can’t help but think about Richard Jeni’s stand-up skit about Red Lobster commercials being food porn for Americans. I won’t go as far as to say I’ve gotten aroused while watching “Triple D”, but lets just say I’m always tempted to smoke a cigarette when it’s over. (and I don’t even smoke!)

Hoodrat culture

While my infatuation with sistas with glasses, asses, and advance degrees (as well as the fact that I want to make it to 35) ensures I’ll never actually date one, between flirting with cute and obnoxiously tattooed Wendy’s cashiers, watching The Bad Girls Club, clicking on WorldStarHipHop links, and googling strippers, I seem to be genuinely fascinated with the type of women The Sporty Thieves so eloquently coined “pigeons”. I have no idea why this is, but I think it probably has something to do with George Gervin

Free Bread Baskets

You know that community bread that’ll be in a basket next to the door at Panera or some other bakery, that germ-infested bread that always makes you ask “What sick and deprived person actually eats that shit?”

Well, that person is me.

Roissy in D.C.

A group blog primarily devoted to defining exactly what constitutes “alpha status” (and “exposing” the lengths all women will go to be with an alpha), it would be an extreme understatement to say The Citizen Renegade isn’t for everyone. But, regardless of how crass, misogynistic, jingoistic, intentionally manipulative, and even racist they tend to be, I admire their unapologeticness and recognize that much (not all. but some) of what they say does have some truth to it.

Also, the writer (and comedian) in me can’t help but appreciate any blog that includes “You make me feel happy is the pre-cum of a girl's oxytocin-greased mental ejaculation” in a write-up about relationship tenets.

Why Some Women Seem To Have All Luck In Dating

Things Men Say When We’re Just Running Dating Game

Game That Guys Run Even When We Don’t Know It

Game That Women Run Without Even Knowing It

Essential Dating Questions to Spot Red Flags

The Woman Shortage In China

Black Women Are Always The Victim…Right?

Questions Men Need to Ask Before Committing

Michelle Tucker

You probably don’t want to goggle her while at work, but lets just say if I weren’t already in a serious relationship and I happened to meet her, I might find it in my heart to look past the whole “retired porn star” thing.

Frying eggs in bacon grease

***Filed under “things that’ll probably eventually kill me“***

Frying bacon and eggs in bacon grease while completely nude because I don’t want my clothes to stink

***Filed under “things that’ll probably eventually kill me if I don’t die from clogged arteries first”***

Anyway, falks, that’s it for me. I’m curious though: Who and what are your Guilty Pleasures.

Who are the people who would embarrass your parents if they knew you actually liked them? Where are the places you willingly frequent that seem to go against every fiber of your being? What are the things you do that make you think it might be a couple thousand years before you’re allowed in Heaven?

Remember, we’re all family and shit here. Don’t be scared