5 Things I’d Just Like To Put Out There…For Putting It Out There’s Sake.

I’m Black.

I know.  Shocker.

Well, such as it is, my Blackness allows me certain luxuries in life.  I get to set trends for the world, be president, and inspire Congress to revisit mandatory minimums for drug offenses.  Yeah, I’d say that being Black definitely has its perks.

But believe it or not, its not all roses.  This Black thing I mean, not it.  It is straight roses kid.  What is it?

It can be whatever you like.  There is no ceiling.

Ahem.

Back to the lecture at hand.  Most of us have the same problem in life right now as reading Black folks.  We’re generally the only Black person most of our colleagues have much contact with.  It’s one of those facts of life that is just annoying.  I know at my job, all the other Black folks are in more clerical positions.  So you know what this means, right?

Of course you do.  It means we have a lot of pressure to speak as the voice of Black America.  Like it or not, that’s what we’re doing.  Well, since I have such a huge platform there are a few things that I’d like to just put out there in case any persuasions, Persians, Asians, or anybody that CNN hasn’t covered yet ends up here.

1)  It is MORE than okay to mention the race of somebody you’re describing to me

I motherf*cking hate when somebody is trying to describe somebody to me but they refuse to acknowledge the race of said person.  Look Bob, its okay to say if he was Black.  It will be a great service as race will discount entire segments of my memory while I’m trying ot remember some random mofo you chose to bring up today, Bob.  I mean, if we’re talking about Michelle Leslie Brown from 125th Street that plays ball in the park and EVERYBODY knows that there’s two you should mention what color she is.  That way I can be like…not THAT Michelle Leslie Brown that play ball in the park, the OTHER Michelle Leslie…well you get the point.  Stop pretending race doesn’t exist you racist f*ck.

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2) Sidestepping or being overly political correct when it comes to race makes you look like an undercover racist (you racist f*ck, you)

I know that being called racist is like the worst thing that can happen to white people nowadays.  Even Rush Limbaugh doesn’t want that title, and neither does something called a  Newt Gingrich.  However, your overly awkward uncomfortableness when discussing anything that has any sort of racial undertone makes me think that you’re opinion would probably be VERY unfavorable and makes me think you just might be a racist, you racist f*ck, you.  So stop it.

3)  I don’t actually mind correcting your misconceptions about Black people, as long as you approach with common sense

I’m always up for a conversation that debunks stereotypes on all sides of the fence.  And it goes a long way to spread and increase understanding.  However, you can’t just walk up to me and say, “so is it true that most of y’all are going to jail for selling crack?  I just read that at KKK.com.”  Come, let’s talk.  Just don’t make me punch you and get written up and have to go to racial sensitivity training being taught by some white lady who has never actually spoken directly to a Black person she wasn’t paying before.  I won’t like you after that.  Then it becomes that whole, “I’m Black so I hate all white people” thing and then you and I need an intervention, etc.  It just gets ugly.

4)  Slang is fun, but please keep up with the times

I think its funny when white folks run with slang and popular terms, i.e. “raise the roof” and “whomp! there it is”.   That’s great, pal.  Thing is, that sh*t went out in the 90s.  Which given the speed of today’s information is akin to the 1890s.  Stop it.  If you must use slang watch BET and stay current.  Quit coming to me asking me how to spell something I haven’t said in 10 years.  It’s annoying and I want to stab you with two eyes of kimodo and a red stapler.

5)  We think OJ did it too

So shut the f*ck up about it.

Those are just a few things that I’d like to let “everybody else” know about my Blackness, especially in the workplace.  What are some things that you would put out there for the “rest” if you were the voice of Black America?

Let’s give us free.