10 Things You Should Never, Ever, Ever, Ever Do Once You’re a Grown-Up

While shooting around by myself at the gym a couple days ago, a few guys walked in and asked if I’d mind joining them for 3 on 3. After a couple seconds of watching how they were carrying themselves  — Yeah, you can tell if a guy can play or not just by the way he walks on the court. Proficiency profiling, if you will. –  I decided that joining them wouldn’t be a waste of my time, and I agreed to play. (Look, I know that sentence made me seem like a bit of an asshole, but I’m too old to be playing with cats who clearly haven’t picked up a basketball since the “Friends” series finale.)

Anyway, the second after I agreed, I noticed something a bit off.

“Wait, fellas. There’s only five of us. How are we going to play 3′s?”

“Oh,” one of them replied, “We have enough. My man Frank is in the locker room, but he’ll be out shortly.”

“Cool,” I thought to myself, and I started loosening up when Frank finally walked on the court…and managed to single-handedly take away any interest I had about playing.

You see, while Frank looked athletic enough — and probably had some basketball skill — he might have had the single worst haircut I’ve ever seen on a living adult mammal. His head looked like one of those topographical pictures of the Appalachian mountains that NASA takes from outer space. Seriously, imagine Lionel Richie in the “Hello” video ->, and now imagine that the sides were bald and he had an inverted widow’s peak. Basically, he had the world’s first half-ceaser Jeri-curl frohawk mullet, and to add insult to injury, this ninja was like 37!!!

Since I cast judgment upon grown-ass black men with obscenely terrible hipster haircuts, I couldn’t bring myself to join their game. I mean, how the hell am I supposed to trust a group of guys who’d allow their old enough to have freaking grandkids friend to leave the house looking like the monster from “Jeepers Creepers” ate his barber in mid-cut?

Anyway, thinking about Frank, his awful, awful, awful ‘do, and my feelings about grown-ass black men with Fisher-Price hipster haircuts made think of a few more things people should never, ever, ever f*cking do once they’re grown-up.

Be a fan of R. Kelly

To any f*cking grown-up who feels compelled to defend the Pier Piper of Pedophilia’s “musical genius” or say anything about how “those young chicks knew what they were doing,” SHUT. THE. F*CK. UP.

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Stand in line for any nightclub or party

Unless it’s for one of the invite only Illuminati-type orgies from “Eyes Wide Shut”, if you’re past 28 and you ever find yourself waiting for longer than five minutes to pay someone to let you sweat in a circle while listening to “No Hands”, you officially become a wanker.

Fight

Although, I will say that a couple mid-brawl boobs popping out isn’t necessarily an awful thing.

Put the p*ssy or the penis on a pedestal

Since I’m not completely sure what the phrase “don’t put the p*ssy on a pedestal” is really supposed to mean, I’ve decided to assign my own meaning to it.

Today, putting the p*ssy or penis on a pedestal is defined as allowing the pursuit of sex to control every aspect of your life, and this definition also extends to people who feel the need to inform everyone around them of their relationship with an act that most grown-ass people kind of got over around their 26th birthday.

Organize your own birthday party

If someone feels the need to organize a party for you, fine. Be merry and sh*t. If not, well, how pathetic is it to make a big deal about a day that no one obviously cares about?

Willingly sleep with someone you don’t really want to sleep with

Unless, of course, there’s a ton of money involved. In this case, get your f*cking grown-up on!

Stink in public

While sudden bouts of uncontrollable public flatulence can be unavoidable (and, with the right person, an aphrodisiac), if you’re a f*cking grown up that actually lives indoors, it’s completely inexcusable to leave the crib smelling like a 20 gallon garbage bag of dead midgets. Sh*t, even if you happen to be out and suspect that you might be a little tart, just go to a perfume counter at the nearest department store and freshen up under the guise of “testing fragrances.” Sure, instead of dead midgets you’re now going to smell like, well, dead midgets and Escada Sentiment, but at least it’ll confuse the swarm of fruit flies that have been following you for the last hour.

Argue with your parents

If you ever find yourself in a situation where your parents are pissed at you for doing (or not doing) something, just…leave and go home. Or hang up the phone. Or concede. Or whatever, but aside from you trying to convince them to do something better for their health (i.e.: stop smoking, go to the doctor, stop walking to get the paper while butt naked, etc.) there’s really no reason why a f*cking grown-up needs to be having a knock down, drag out argument with their parents about anything

Be too new

Whether it’s incorporating slang that’s been invented in the last 18 months into your daily lexicon, carrying nothing but music made after 2006 in your iPod, or attempting to rock skinny jeans today despite the fact that your stocky, fire hydrant built ass played fullback in college ten years ago, there are many ways that some seemingly f*cking grown-up ass people act too new, each one a bit lamer than the next.

Basically, if you’re a f*cking grown up, the only thing “brand new” about you should be the can of ass-whooping you were about to give the dude at the Verizon store who asked if you wanted to buy a Drake ring back.